I recently looked again at the best selling book, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. The lessons in this book are keeping up well with the times, despite the book first being written nearly 70 years ago (1937). Despite its age, its themes still resonate loudly in today’s workplace and social milieus. I am writing this article partly as a reflection of my own journey in (professional and personal) socialising, but also to revisit themes to reinforce the ideas of this book, in short, to learn to respect other people better. The question of the utility of respect is admittedly tongue-in-cheek as sincerity is the caveat behind all of the advice in Carnegie’s classic canon work.
Below is a summary of some of the key ideas. It is not intended as a comprehensive summary of the book but rather a short guide to core ideas that can help anyone wishing to socialise better. The context of the discussion leans toward those in a career in academia; however, the principles are highly portable to other industries, and even in one’s personal life.
Don’t criticise
This advice requires careful examination, as giving and accepting criticism is paramount to successful growth of the individual and institution. The advice is not to become a conformist, per se, but rather to package criticism into constructive parcels which contain objective analysis and scholarly-backed recommendations. ‘Constructive criticism’ is an art, it requires the ability to self-reflect, as well as understand the challenges inherent in any individual’s or institution’s growth process.
Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.
Aristotle (alternatively attributed to Elbert Hubbard)
This rather ironic statement indicates that criticism is a part of life. And yet, there is a way to do so (criticise) without causing grievous harm to the recipient. In fact, as academics, high-quality criticism is valuable, and is the basis for peer-reviewed publications in scholarly journals.
The flipside is that how should one handle criticism? When it is constructive, accept criticism with gratitude – when it is personal or deconstructive, take criticism with a grain of salt. In short, criticise to construct and leave out any personal comments in doing so; do not seek to deconstruct or delegitimise the target, but rather provide a way forward for the recipient to understand the intent of the interlocutor.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
One of the most satisfying things in life is showing sincere appreciation for someone who has worked hard or has done something well. Acknowledging acts which go ‘above and beyond’ is a duty of every manager toward their team, but also an employee doing their job, even to the bare minimum requires positive acknowledgement. It is important to set the bare minimum to a level that, when achieved, constitutes high performance is important to maintain morale. Below is a scene from the film Office Space which illustrates the problem of always expecting people to work to a higher level than written in their contract.
What are your thoughts on this scene? Write your comments below!
Ways to Make People Like You
Become genuinely interested in other people
This point comes down to sincerity. No one likes to be merely a means to an end. In business, quid pro quo (something for something), is important; in friendships, it is equally important (see Phelan, 2023). However, there is a difference. In friendships, the time between exchange may be longer than in business. In friendships, giving does not expect a return on investment, per se, but once reciprocation occurs, the friendship deepens with trust and further commitment. Without reciprocation, a feeling of ‘being used’ may develop. No matter how mutual value is measured–tangibly or intangibly–parties must feel a mutual benefit to deepen the relationship. However, this does not invalidate acts of altruism, for example, taking care of a sick relative without expectation, however, one may argue that the recipient can, in their own way, show gratitude and thanks, which itself can be a reward and deepen trust and personal feelings.
Smile
Be careful about this one. Excessive smiling can be toxic. However, being aware of one’s facial expressions is essential for gaining ‘immediate trust’. It is not just about smiling, but providing facial expressions which indicate approachability. Smiles take on many different characteristics.
Fig. 1. The many varieties of smiles
 A group of people with various types of smiles according to AI image generation. |
Remembering a person’s name
This one is easy to forget. If you’re like me, sometimes you can forget a name only minutes after being introduced. A commitment to memorising names means finding a way to associate the name to the person’s characteristics. Association is a strong way to memorise as it combines your own intersubjective experience with some visible fact about the person, for example, someone named Malcolm might have very well combed hair, i.e. mal+’comb’. This is highly subjective and depends on your own associations. However, the important part is making an extra effort to remember names.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
You might have read that getting someone to talk about themselves is a key way to befriend them. If you take over conversations, and not allow others to get a word in edgewise, then you are making yourself the most important person; however, if you sincerely take an interest in what others have to say, then not only will you build rapport, but also you may learn something.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Always avoid arguments whereby the interlocutors are fighting over their opinions. Descartes is often quoted as saying ‘I think, therefore I am.’ But this only tells part of the story. Descartes was led to this conclusion from the ontology of doubt. The purpose of this doubt is not to fall into a sceptical abyss, but rather to strip away all beliefs that could be even slightly uncertain, to find a foundation for true knowledge. In other words, it is doubt that brings about conscious thought. Doubt is not just about what others say, think and do, but also what one says, thinks, and does. Doubt is the core principle behind academic inquiry, and can help avoid arguments which lack self-scepticism.
In short, show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong.’ If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Appeal to the nobler motives
One’s high standard of ethics and a strong centre built around informed principles assure that others will perceive one as reliable and trustworthy. Living by codes such as self-discipline and altruism assure others are attracted to one who is seen as consistent with high quality character. Nobler motives will always trump heuristic arguments intended to solve some short term problem by sacrificing, rather than upholding the greater good.
Dramatise your ideas
Passion is the number one factor behind the decision for someone to work with you as opposed to someone else when all other factors are roughly equal. A qualified unpassionate versus a qualified passionate will inevitably lead to the latter being chosen for friendship, promotion, or any other benefit when someone is choosing between you and others. By ‘dramatise’ it means that you can successfully portray vision to others through a passionate ‘acting out’ of ideas.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person
Further to the criticism section above, why not make clear your own shortcomings before speaking to someone else about theirs. It may be your job to constructively criticise your team; however, showing humility goes a long way to build trust and honour with those over whom you have authority.
Let the other person save face
Leaving no room for a person to save face means they will either have to accept they are ‘all wrong’ or ‘all right’. This binary thinking happens in a blame culture. Important at work and even more important in friendships, one should always allow a person to save face by allowing for external variables which may have led a person to make the wrong choice. Consider the manager / employee dialogue below:
Scenario 1: Not Allowing the Employee to Save Face
Employer: “John, I’ve noticed that the recent project you led did not meet our deadline, and this has put us in a difficult position with our client. Can you explain why this happened?”
Employee (John): “Yes, I understand the situation. We encountered several unexpected challenges, including…”
Employer (interrupting): “That’s no excuse. We always face challenges. It was your responsibility to foresee these issues and deal with them. Because of this failure, the company has lost a significant amount of credibility and potentially a lot of revenue.”
John: “I understand, but I tried to…”
Employer: “There were clear signs you were falling behind. You’ve let the team and the entire company down. We’ll need to consider serious repercussions for this.”
John (feeling defensive and humiliated): “I did everything I could. The problems were beyond my control.”
Employer: “That’s what everyone says when they fail. We’ll have a meeting with HR about this on Monday. That’s all.”
Outcome: John feels publicly shamed and demotivated. He becomes less engaged at work and starts looking for new job opportunities. The team’s morale drops, seeing how failures are harshly penalized, leading to a culture of fear rather than one of learning and improvement.
Scenario 2: Allowing the Employee to Save Face
Employer: “John, I wanted to talk about the recent project. It didn’t go as planned, and I know this wasn’t the outcome any of us hoped for. Can you share your perspective on what happened?”
Employee (John): “Yes, I appreciate the opportunity to discuss it. We ran into several challenges, including…”
Employer: “I see. These projects can certainly throw us curveballs. What do you think we could have done differently to manage these challenges better?”
John: “In hindsight, we might have benefited from more frequent check-ins with the team and perhaps sought additional resources sooner.”
Employer: “That’s a good insight. I believe in your abilities, John, and I know you did your best given the circumstances. Let’s consider this a learning experience. How can we apply what we’ve learned to improve our processes and prevent similar issues in the future?”
John: “I think a debriefing session with the team to collect feedback and establish new protocols could be beneficial. I also want to explore additional training for myself and the team to better prepare for unexpected challenges.”
Employer: “That sounds like a constructive approach. Let’s work on those action items together. We all make mistakes, but it’s how we learn from them and move forward that counts. I’m here to support you and the team in making those improvements.”
Outcome: John feels supported and valued despite the project’s outcome. He is motivated to identify solutions and improvements, leading to a stronger and more resilient team. The company culture becomes one of continuous learning and support, encouraging innovation and risk-taking without fear of blame.
In short, environments that support open communication, admit mistakes, and encourage learning from failures—without placing blame—can significantly enhance team performance and innovation, and allow people to save face, which ultimately encourages high morale and personal and professional growth for all involved (Edmondson, 1999). Whilst is may be tempting to make exceptions to this rule when someone commits the most extreme acts, saving face is a crucial component of rehabilitation (Braithwaite and Braithwaite, 2001).
In sum, in revisiting Dale Carnegie’s seminal work, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People,’ nearly 70 years after its initial publication in 1937, the lessons are as relevant today as they were then. The book underscores the central importance of respect and sincerity in building relationships, a premise as valid in academia as in any field. Criticism, a cornerstone of academic growth, when constructively rendered, fosters improvement while preserving dignity. Aristotle’s insight on criticism underscores its inevitability and its potential for constructive, rather than destructive, outcomes. The art of giving honest appreciation, crucial in any leadership or collegial role, fosters a positive environment conducive to exceeding expectations.
Moreover, Carnegie’s advice transcends professional boundaries, advocating for genuine interest in others, the power of a smile, and the importance of remembering names, all of which strengthen bonds. Avoiding arguments by respecting differing opinions and appealing to nobler motives cultivates an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding. The dramatisation of ideas with passion and acknowledging one’s own mistakes before offering criticism encourages a culture of humility and learning.
The dichotomy between handling criticism without allowing an individual to save face versus a more empathetic approach highlights the transformative power of constructive feedback. The first scenario depicts a demoralizing encounter that stifles growth and motivation, while the second demonstrates how allowing an employee to save face can lead to productive outcomes and strengthened relationships. This illustrates the significant impact of communication style on individual and team development, advocating for a culture that values learning from failures as much as celebrating successes. Through Carnegie’s timeless wisdom, we are reminded of the fundamental human need for respect, understanding, and sincere interaction, principles that remain as relevant today as they were nearly a century ago.
References:
Phelan, M. (2023). Rethinking friendship. Inquiry, 66(5), 757-772.
Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological Safety and Learning Behavior in Work Teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-383.
Carnegie, D. (2023). How to win friends and influence people. Good Press. [Link]
Braithwaite, J., & Braithwaite, V. (2001). “The Importance of ‘Saving Face’ in Restorative Justice Conferences Involving Young Offenders.” In A. Morris & G. Maxwell (Eds.), Restorative Justice for Juveniles: Conferencing, Mediation and Circles. Hart Publishing.